my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
