i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
