Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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