She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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