My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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