I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
