Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
