My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
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