God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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