Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
