Will you blow on my dice?
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
