a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize