Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
