I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Randomize
