Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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