There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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