Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
His hands were made for my vagina.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize
