so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
