Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
