You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Randomize
