remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
