my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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