remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
