thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Couch. On fire.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
