what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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