you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
