Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
