i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
