i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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