i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
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