Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Randomize
