Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
