allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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