Well apparently he's into motor boating.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
