My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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