How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
