i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
