last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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