Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize