my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
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