She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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