Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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