I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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