i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize