There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
