My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
