did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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