Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Randomize
