I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
