bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
