I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
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