I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
