someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
