his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
