I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize