Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
