Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
