Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i love accidental penises.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize