so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
